Assuming the Best
I have been pondering the Golden Rule lately. It seems like such a simple little ditty, “Do to Others as You Wish Others Would Do to You.” I don’t know about you, but I find the reality of it is quite difficult. But I have found that if we take that one step further, “Think of Others As You Would Want Them to Think of You” to be in the spirit and the same difficulty. What would this world look like if we assumed best case motives of others? There are many ways to interpret certain words or actions, but what happens if we chose not to take offense and assumed the best? The question that immediately pops into my head when I ask this, is “what about those whose motives really are bad?” I don’t think, though, if we attempt to interpret the best that this means we must put our head into the sand and never address evil. I think choosing the habit of charity in thought would buy time to better assess a situation. I decided to put this approach to the test when I encountered a real life conflict. The conflict was a clash of interpretations and I was very upset over an incident. I called for a meeting for everyone to hash it out and we had some down time before the meeting day occurred. Directly after the incident, I was still indignant and pretty self-righteous, and I knew that I was right and they were flat out wrong. But when I prayed about how to be heard by the group and how to articulate why I was so upset, it was like another path opened up before me. What if I decided to be charitable in my interpretations of why the event occurred? What if I could come up with nicer reasons for the whole situation? I went into the meeting tense and worried and when I opened up with “this was my first thought, but on further reflection I assume this is why you said/did what you did?” I could visibly see the tension deflate and the body language change. Within 15 minutes we had communicated and resolved the situation and we left happy. Wow! When I think back to it, I realize that charitable thinking was NOT my first instinct. It took me out of myself and into the shoes of others to reach a different conclusion. And it only occurred because of prayer AND because I wanted a peaceful resolution that justly addressed the conflict. I cannot help but think this world would be much more peaceful in our homes, in our work places, in our society if our charity began with a thought.
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Sofia,
You wrote charmingly:
” I have been pondering the Golden Rule lately. It seems like such a simple little ditty, “Do to Others as You Wish Others Would Do to You.” I don’t know about you, but I find the reality of it is quite difficult. But I have found that if we take that one step further, “Think of Others As You Would Want Them to Think of You” to be in the spirit and the same difficulty. What would this world look like if we assumed best case motives of others?”
This is terrific because the last line shows that you assume the “best case motives” for yourself. My advice, from a fellow follower of the Beatitudes, is don’t always assume good motives on your part of for anything, including of course all sorts of religious matters. Human nature is always a mix. In recognizing that one has a better chance to recognize what is going on and actually practice virtue. Idealism often vexes us morally more than vice.
I agree that we need to be self-critical, but isn’t it true that most of us give ourselves ample excuses? I’m trying to say that we should do the same towards our neighbors.
Sofia,
Well, if the excuse is something like, “well he struggles with anxiety over his asthma therefore I should cut him some slack”…well yes. But if the excuse is , I know Fr. So-and-So buys crack surreptitiously and is weird to everyone, but he goes to confession and gets cleansed, and therefore everything is OK. Then no! One of the things Catholics truly need to get over, in my humble opinion, is the sense that their sense of forgiveness and conversion applies everywhere, and everyone else should accept it per se. In my opinion there are many, many better ways to construe the inculcation for virtue, and relief and forgiveness of vice than the Catholic way. Though I respect and understand the Catholic way. This brings us full circle to my first point. It is better to start with a somewhat self-skeptical attitude. Things are mixed morally for us human beings— intrinsically! Therefore, I can assess candidly what I am really doing without thinking I am either greatly virtuous or a terrible sinner. Just a mixed human being, trying to be virtuous and live the Beatitudes.
“My advice, from a fellow follower of the Beatitudes, is don’t always assume good motives on your part of for anything, including of course all sorts of religious matters.”
I have had a bit more time to reflect on your point and I think that is what I say in this post, especially my story where when I am forced to consider the situation from the viewpoint of my neighbor, I am able to critique my one flaws. I think that is the beauty of charity. Ironically, when we are able to place ourselves in our neighbor’s shoes, we are then better able to view ourselves as we are. Anyway, thanks for the comment.
Sofia,
Right on. I think that ability to put ourselves in another’s shoes, and especially making a conscious mental habit of it, is the critical part of the whole matter. Especially because often you realize the other person is better than you are morally in certain ways, and in reference to certain things. This leads to a really pleasant form of humility. To not have to put on airs morally, and to still appreciate yourself, and with that others as well, is one of the great things in life. So much creativity and even increased virtue result from it. And it feels so good, like a lovely wine almost.
I think the practice of charity is critical to getting along. If we assume we know someone’s motives are bad, are we not judging them in just the way we are told not to judge?
Assuming that people are all out for the best can at times leave one looking naive, but so what? I truly believe that most people really DO want to be kind. If we allow them the chance to explain their motives themselves, then we may learn a great deal…and as you found out, diffuse a situation.
We are currently in a situation in our chapel parish where this is going to be put to the test. We seem to go through this every couple of years, when command changes.
It’s exhausting but I consider it sand paper for my soul…when I’m not spouting off because I’m just too tired to be charitable!
Absolutely. And I think this goes not only for the motives of people we interact with personally, but also for people of other political persuasions. Among other things.
Nothing is more of a turn-off to me, and closes me off faster to hearing whatever valid point someone may have, than having him start right off assuming the evil intent of his political opponents. This may be something that’s easier for me to do since I have spent a number of years on both sides of the political aisle, and therefore can sympathize with the feelings of either side.
I feel the same way.
YES! The reflexive habit of assuming the worst intentions is at the root of polemics. That is the disease that is crippling the US political system and too often infecting the church as well. That being said, I frequently need these reminders to get off my centrist high horse long enough to take a step back from the many judgment calls I make on an individual level. So thank you, Sofia, for reminding me of some of the practical implications of my belief in active nonviolence. I think you’re right that it very often does, or should, begin with a thought.
There is a quote from St. Bernard that I believe is applicable:
“You will never have real mercy for the failings of others until you know and realize that you have the same failings in your own soul”
THIS!
I missed this when you posted, but I’m glad I decided to catch up. A very refreshing change of pace here, and so true. Thanks.