When the Catholic Family is NOT Holy
I have been debating whether I should write this post. A part of me wonders if it is a pointless endeavor. Every time I have begun to write this, I have trashed it half way. Part of the problem is that I am not sure what my point is. And as every good writer knows two questions must be answered before one can write: “Who is your audience and what is your point?” But on the topics that are so emotionally difficult and overwhelming to express, I don’t know where to begin. So I will begin with one of the major reasons why I have continuously deleted my posts that I have tried to write for this site. I have lived in fear. I have lived in fear for a very long time. My ex-husband stalks me and I wonder if what I write will give away my identity. The effect has been silence. And the Catholic blogosphere continues on some topics that are just so far disconnected from my daily reality that it bears zero relevance to my life. And I realize that if “I” feel this way, I have a feeling other women, too, feel this way so I will speak and begin to tell my story and hopefully reach those Catholics who have been isolated by violence.
We all know the Church’s teaching on the family. As a matter of fact, my parish priest speaks often on how important family is and how bad divorce is and how important it is to live the Church’s teachings. The question I long to ask him is “what happens when the Catholic family is NOT Holy?” What is the Church’s message for ME and the many people in my situation where the “family” has been marked by violence and fear and where getting a divorce is FREEDOM and a HUGE relief? I will never forget one Sunday morning as the deacon–again–preached about the importance of the family and I looked out across the parish and noticed a couple of women I know who had just escaped terrible violent situations. They were typical battered wives. They had low self-esteem. They had had no money because their husbands had control over all aspects of their marital lives. They had finally had the courage to leave and escape and here they had finally made it to Mass and the deacon wanted to preach about the holiness of marriage. I wanted to tell him “Dude, we exist. And we can tell you stories that will make you want to puke.” When I look for resources on Domestic Violence the Church is is non-existent. Completely. Guess who is running these program for abused women and abused children? That’s right. The “F” word. Feminists.
The Church wants to talk about Christ Crucified? Let me tell you about Christ Crucified. WE are Christ Crucified. And if you want to meet Him face to face, I recommend going to your local shelter and the first thing you will notice is that the shelters are at capacity if not over, and there is a waiting list for their services. You want to live the Stations of the Cross and meditate on it? Go to your local Abused Children’s servicing shelter where children who have been abused, sexually assaulted by “loved” ones, and notice that all the rooms are full. Let me put it to you this way, there are so many abused children in this country that thousands of people are employed by it: family judges, children services, court appointed advocates, and attorneys.
I have been assured by my priest that Christ suffers with us. Don’t get me wrong. I do not doubt that at all (though there are times I have some very strong words for Our Lord). But those words can be very cheap. Why? Because WE are the Body of Christ. US. Christ is pragmatic. THE message that Mother Theresa gave to the world is that God wanted US to administer to those in need. If Catholics are so offended by feminism, then why are they conspicuously absent from Rape Hotlines, Domestic Violence shelters, and worse, the complete lack of conversation on it? Silence.
Here is a list of a few very practical things you can do to support the abused women and children in your parishes:
1. Acknowledge they exist. I promise you that they do. Estimates of child molesters is that 93% are religious. I don’t know about other violent offenders, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they are religious, too. There are many complex reasons for this, but suffice to say that where you have a parish, you have abused women and children in your midst.
A) How do you acknowledge them? If you are a priest or a deacon, talk about it from the pulpit.
B) Most importantly*** PRAY for them and their rescue and healing. Begin an anonymous prayer chain or begin offering Masses for families with domestic violence. Very very powerful. Also, begin to pray for the perpetrators of violence. I had friends that grouped together who did monthly novenas on my behalf. I cannot begin to express what these prayers meant to me. I credit them for keeping me sane.
C)When someone shares with you that they have been abused . . . BELIEVE THEM. Believe them. It seems unbelievable that the nicest guy in the world can also be a monster, but if we are Catholics we should not be surprised. We know about sin.
2. Support your local shelters. If you cannot help out financially, at least drop off toilet paper or diapers. For shelters that assist abused children, they take stuffed animals to comfort traumatized children, and gift cards to fast food restaurants. They also accept toiletry bags with clothes, soaps, combs etc.
3. If you know someone who is in a dv situation, let them know that you have heard and are praying for them and want to help. For those who can do it financially, offer to support the now single mother and her children. Consider giving your monthly tithe to her. You will not receive any tax deductions for your gift. But I will tell you from someone who was supported by many faithful Catholics that what you consider to be “little” gifts, are absolutely everything. Those gifts got me on my feet and they told me in a very concrete way that someone loved me enough to sacrifice for me and to suffer with me. If you offer money, don’t be surprised if someone says “no, I am ok.” It was extremely humiliating to learn to say “I need help.” Thank God for the anonymous donors or people who would just slip me cash in a card. Just follow what your heart tells you to do. A friend reminded me that without poor people Mother Theresa would not be the woman we know of today. It was God’s will that my community support me and it was God’s will that I accepted their charity.
I have many other topics to write about regarding violence. But this is a good starting point.
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Thanks for telling it like it is. Spiritual Idealism is great but the practical world is where we live. God help us.
Thank you for your courage. As a therapist in an outpatient mental health setting who has worked with survivors of domestic violence, I want voice my agreement with you. As a male, I want to say I am sorry that members of my gender do this. As a Catholic, I want to assure you that there is nothing “Holy” about abusive marriage. I believe that when the marriage is not “Holy” the church teaches that it is not marriage.
The church teaches “A valid Catholic marriage results from five elements: (1) the spouses are free to marry; (2) they freely exchange their consent; (3) in consenting to marry, they have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another and be open to children; (4) they intend the good of each other; and (5) their consent is given in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized Church minister. Exceptions to the last requirement must be approved by church authority.”
http://foryourmarriage.org/catholic-marriage/church-teachings/annulments/
Clearly domestic violence violates number 4, “they intend the good of each other”
I read this with great sadness and interest as well. I don’t have anything profound to say, only that I am so sorry you have suffered through this and often been met with a lack of understanding and perhaps compassion as well.
I just wanted to let you know I hear you. Thank you for sharing.
Great post, Sofia. This stuff needs to be said, and heard.
Sofia, I have a question I would like your insight on. What would you say to a priest or deacon who wanted to preach on the subject of marriage? How can he address this topic while being sensitive to the concerns and anguish you so eloquently express?
I have been thinking about this recently and I know it is hard. Once, a pastor confided to me that he did not want to preach on abortion, no matter how important the topic, because he knew that there were women in the parish who had had abortions. I completely understand his pastoral concern and sensitivity, but this doesn’t strike me as a good answer either.
I can’t speak for Sofia, of course, but I doubt that denial of the suffering of the faithful (suffering whose roots are in sin) could ever be a good course of action.
I agree with Pentimento here. For me, that priest’s silence is worse than a huge bungling message. Silence is not silence. It IS a message. The question for that priest, is it the message that he wants to send?
A very important point about silence, Sofia. And thank you for that post. It’s needed, as you well know.
Great question, David. I think humility is always a good place to begin when in doubt. Can you imagine what would happen if the priest said “I need to speak about this topic because it is so important. But I have been debating how to broach this topic. I fear some might feel I am condemning you and that is not what I want to do.” Specifically dealing with domestic violence, a priest can STILL preach about the Christian ideal marriage while talking about what it is not. The priest can say “I am aware of those who have been deeply injured within their families and I am here to tell you that the Church condemns such violence. The Church also wants victims to know that we are here for you and we suffer with you.” The Church can also speak to the perpetrators of violence and, most importantly, pray for their conversion and for their healing. Many perps first were shown how to be violent within their childhood families and grew up to continue the cycle.
My next post is going to be dealing with the connection between domestic violence and abortion rates in this country.
AMEN!
Thanks Sofia, a very good idea I will try to keep in the back of my mind.
Such courage. Thanks, Sofia.
Yes, thank you, Sofia. What you say needs to be heard. The idealistic prattle Catholics hear about family life in so many homilies just adds to the disconnect between religion and reality…or at least between homilist and listener. It’s just one reason many don’t listen. How many parishioners in any given parish could tell you what last Sunday’s homily was about? I’d venture not many.
Excellent post. Thank you for being so honest and brave.
However, please don’t forget though that women are not always the victim – sometimes they are the perpetrator. My mother inflicted physical, verbal and emotional abuse on her husband and kids (me included) for years. No one believed us. Not the priests, not the counsellors and definitely not the police.
Finally it got so bad that the police were forced to intervene – she was arrested and eventually convicted for breaching a retraining order. She has been in and out of mental hospitals since.
I understand what it is to be Christ crucified and to have one’s suffering met with silence. At least the feminists are on your side. No one – not even the feminists – tend to think or care about children abused at the hands of their mothers.
Trauma is always intensified when it is not acknowledged and, worse, minimized or not believed. I cannot imagine what your experience was. You are correct. Domestic violence is ALWAYS first psychological and THEN physical, so it is very plausible to have female perpetrators. When it is mothers, the damage is even more severe because children naturally bond with their mothers and when that bonding is abusive in nature it can cause serious lasting psychological harm.
I will say, that even feminists acknowledge that women can be perps. Feministing.com speaks often of both male and female perpetrators. They have posted often on male victims of rape who also suffer from lack of social support when they report it.
I will definitely try to be more sensitive in the future for those who have been harmed by their wives and mothers. I cannot imagine what that is like not be helped. When I did choose to get help, I had the support I needed. Without that support? . . .
We’re not supposed to let anyone fall through the cracks.
I can understand why priests emphasize the norm of marriage. Society doesn’t believe in norms any more. I think about my dad, who lost his parents at an early age. He and his sister didn’t have a normal family, but they weren’t blamed for it, and no matter how many people suffered the loss of a stable family there was broad agreement back then about what the best family structure is. So hurray for those people who are promoting the ideal of a loving husband, wife, and children.
But we’re not supposed to let anyone fall through the cracks. People in broken homes or terrible marriages need our help. They shouldn’t be forgotten; this is the flipside to the message we’ve got to be making to society. We don’t blame kids for being in the foster care system; we support addiction counseling; we should definitely be caring for victims of domestic violence. If we’ve been failing to do so, then we’d better step up.
Amen.
I do think people need to detach from universalist models when they preach and talk about family life. The attractiveness of those models speaks, of course, to the fact that reality is far messier, and many people would prefer to ignore reality and concentrate on the ideal.
That’s a very Hellenistic approach, as it were, but it’s not a very Christian approach, though it’s a Hellenistic impulse that was baptized lightly in Christian praxis.
My brother was physically abused by his first wife before they divorced, and then emotionally abused by his second wife, but, being a meek (though big – that’s why he didn’t hit his first wife back) man, it was hard for him to get heard, and he just drugged his pain away.
A good place to start when thinking about preaching a topic: What or who am I avoiding? What purposes does that avoidance serve? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? (Go the five times, slowly, and watch how your answers evolve. It’s even better if you have someone to listen to you who doesn’t buy your own BS (we all have our own BS)). What does God have to say about that avoidance (not your inner critic, btw; that’s a false God)?
I think it’s hard when you are trying to live your life as a faithful Catholic, and your marriage is a total sham and you have to sit and listen to lectures by happily married deacons or couples who homeschool and have a half a dozen children and they say things like “pray with your spouse every day and that will bring you grace and happiness” and you think to yourself: the only thing that will bring me happiness is if my spouse dies because I can’t bring myself to leave him and he treats me and the children like shit but I’m a good Catholic and good Catholics don’t leave their spouses. The best advice I heard was from a priest that was honest with me and said my marriage was a sham and I should get out. I thank him every day.
I want to thank you for speaking up. You are so, so, brave. You make many good points and I assure you I think you did the right thing. A husband is supposed to love his wife the way Christ does, and if he simply refuses to try to do that, if he is doing the devil’s job more often, then it just isn’t good for anyone. It’s not his right as a man to have your unending devotion–he has to earn that by being willing to sacrifice himself. And, yes, divorce in itself is not a good thing, especially in the way it’s used most often in our culture, when people either get bored of each other or simply refuse to do the work it takes to communicate and help each other. But if someone feels entitled to abuse you, it’s not good for either of you to stay married. Certainly bad for any children involved. I like the way you put it–that not all marriages are holy. Any priest who would tell you that you have to stay and suffer in an abusive marriage simply doesn’t understand marriage. (Then again, when it’s a Catholic priest, how could he?)
Thank you very much for your post. I know someone who is in a similar situation (with adultery thrown in on top of the physical abuse) and this woman has been through hell on earth. May God bless you and put a hedge of protection around you and your children!
In charity, however, I must say that I think you make a false assumption when you say that Catholics are absent as helpers from rape hotlines and domestic violence shelters. I know good Catholic women who give of their time and talent to such organizations, even though many of the other volunteers they encounter there are very hostile to the Catholic Church. I
Good point, Mary. I guess I was critiquing the many who trash feminists when it was the Feminist Movement that A)brought attention to domestic violence B)decided that it was NOT acceptable and C)actually fought to change laws to improve the lives of women and children. (The Church actually fought many of these changes along the way, by the way, but that is for another post).
I am a lifelong Catholic and it has never been my understanding that the Church would encourage someone to remain in an abusive relationship. My understanding is that divorce is not a sin when it is necessary. It’s only remarriage that causes problems for a good Catholic.
Obviously, Stan. The point is two fold, though: When was the last time that the Church addressed the terrible violence in our midst? I have never heard a homily on domestic violence, nor on the prevalence of parental abuse. We know that the shelters are packed (at least anyone who follows these types of issues). Has the Church ever lobbied on behalf of domestic violence laws and further protection of women and children? A later post will talk about the fight that women, specifically feminists in this country had, to obtain radical changes in the laws regarding rape, and dv (with VERY little help from the Church).
When the Church speaks of the family it is in idealistic terms with very little mention of the minor detail that for 50% of families, divorce occurs and children have step-parents. How can priests and deacons stand there and talk about the holiness of the family when in reality the family can be a HUGE source of terrible strife? Talk about disconnect. When the Church does talk about divorce it is more of a “don’t do it” than a real understanding of the “why” behind our high rates of divorce. It has literally only been the last two to three years that the USCCB actually posted a section on marriage and family life on their site. In my diocese, the “family life” section is a complete joke.
The light that secular society shed on the Church over the rape of children by priests and Church officials for decades around the world is one step. It is now time to shed light on the terrible statistics about what many endure in their families. The Church MUST be present to victims of domestic violence. Just having a Mass offered for the rescue of those affected by dv would be HUGE. Can you imagine the miracles if we actually began to pray? In my state the dv rates are absolutely staggering and there is no word from the pulpit. It is a celibate disconnect to the worries of real people.
In my own situation, even though I had been extremely active in my parish, had fed our priests and offered community, I did not receive ONE phone call or email from any priest or Church official when my own world fell apart. Not one. That is a disgrace.
What you address here are the legalities of it all. What I am talking about here is the Body of Christ being present for its fellow members in a very real way and for those who may not be a part of the Body.
Sofia,
“Has the Church ever lobbied on behalf of domestic violence laws and further protection of women and children?”
It is a small thing, but last year the CT Catholic Conference did lobby successfully to establish a state task force on domestic violence in immigrant communities, with the goal of breaking down barriers so that women and children could get the help they needed to escape the violence.
Stan,
on the other hand, I got into a loud fight with two colleagues, both from Catholic countries (though no longer Catholics) who were adamant that the act of getting a civil divorce resulted in automatic excommunication. Irrespective of what the Church teaches, this is what two bright, thoughtful men picked up from their Catholic environment. I think it says something sad about the Church.
I had no idea that there was such an absence in most parishes. In our parish we have a program which is quite active and is often addressed during Mass or afterwards during announcements or a desk at the entrance of the church. http://www.sacredheartcalgary.ca/main/index.php?page_id=135&side=
They note on the website common misconceptions as well. Perhaps our group could be contacted for suggestions on starting something similar in your parish?
God Bless you
Lindsay