How to drive on Las Vegas’ Strip on a Saturday night:
1. Move car forward 5 inches, then stop.
2. Get out of car, cross street to Caesar’s Palace, enter lobby, ask concierge where the buffet is.
3. Ask buffet people when dinner starts.
4. Stop by bar, order and drink a scotch.
5. Go back out to car, start, and move forward 5 inches, to keep up with the “movement” of traffic.
6. Go over to the Venetian, and play a few hands of blackjack.
7. Ask the pit boss how many people he’s caught cheating, and have a pleasant conversation about how he loves his job.
8. Stroll casually out to car, stopping on the way to flirt with waitresses.
9. Get in car, start, and move forward 5 inches, to keep up with the “movement” of traffic.
10. Discover that the Las Vegas Department of Traffic Destruction has the left 4 lanes of Las Vegas Boulevard coned off because someone ran over a squirrel or something.
11. Realize when you’re passing the Bellagio that they have that icky Celine Dion “Titanic” song blaring from speakers.
12. Search in vain for some long, sharp instrument with which to destroy your eardrums.
13. Remember that your car has a radio.
14. Turn on radio and turn volume up to 11.
15. Realize that pedestrians are looking confused as to why an agitated-looking man has the NPR national news turned up so loud that his dashboard is melting and his fillings are falling out.
16. Start making calls inquiring about having your car heli-lifted out of traffic, so that you can make it home before your retirement age.
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There’s a fallacy in #15. NPR? Can it even be found in LV? Would the average denizen of The Strip have the slightest interest in NPR to begin with?
I thought #15 was the laugh out loud line of the piece. It need not be taken literally.
Your biggest mistake was attempting to drive. Walking the strip is where it’s at.
Strangest post I’ve seen on Vox Nova. Is there a joke here I don’t get?
Zach – I just meant this as a humorous break from the usual routine – if you don’t get it, that’s just fine :)
I totally get it! However I think the guy who said walking is the way to go, is nuts. Walking from one casino to another is exhausting and takes like half an hour because their grounds are so huge.
So sitting in a car for hours is better than walking for 1/2 hour?
No. But walking isn’t worth the effort IMHO, because you don’t get to see that much in proportion to the amount of effort. My solution is just to stay away from Vegas.
Mine too – I have an old friend who lives there, however, and I have a baby/bathwater problem.
They need Segways on the strip. Then again, they would need Segway parking :)
You’re ill-advised if you follow any of the above points. The BEST admonition I can pass on is to skip the Las Vegas Strip altogether. Pay a little more for a hotel room with a good view and spare yourself the “Fun Time with the Idiots” experience.
They recently closed the Liberace Museum. What’s the point of going to Vegas anymore?
I was in Vegas to visit an old friend – the place itself? Jim Kunstler described it as “the place America’s spirit crawled off to die.”
I think his description is apt. Las Vegas (aside from the metaphysical dread induced by walking around in the sort of place associated with the phrase, “consumed in a pillar of fire” in the Old Testament) struck me as a deeply tragic place – in the proper, literary sense of that word. I think future anthropologists will study it as the place where America’s exhaustion and decay first became obvious.
I think future anthropologists will study it as the place where America’s exhaustion and decay first became obvious.
And then they’ll look at our political parties.
So much needless fear and loathing of Las Vegas. Just remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, or can at least be treated with a cream.
Ew, gross.