Bridezilla and Weddings, Inc.
A couple years ago, I worked in phone tech support/customer service for a company that makes, among other things, custom-printed books that some people use as mementos for weddings.
Every once in awhile, I would get a call from some newly-married woman who is having…”a fit” doesn’t adequately capture the flavor of the rant directed at me and my company. Her book had some sort of problem with the binding, or one or more of the photos came out slightly dark…and now her perfect wedding was ruined!!!
I usually hit the “mute” button on my phone at that point, and tell the woman sitting next to me, “If I ever get engaged, I’m gonna tell my fiance that, if she ever starts acting like this harpy, I’m gonna tell her the wedding is off.”
My co-worker once said, “But you’ve got to understand, it’s Her Day To Be A Princess.”
ME: “NO IT ISN’T! A wedding is not a one-day chance to be a princess. You want that? Well, then throw a big stinkin’ party, the theme of which is, ‘Jessica’s a princess,’ and all your friends can bring presents for your narcissistic self, maybe build a throne on some kind of pedestal so they can bow down and defer to your awesomeness or whatever, but that’s not what a wedding is for!”
JESSICA: “Um…”
ME: “Look, I’m sorry for ranting about this, but Memory books and trinkets and mementos are…I guess they’re nice, but that’s not what “that day” is all about. All that material stuff is just the wedding industry sucking money out of you, playing on your insecurities. If I ever get married, what’s going to be special about that day is that I’m committing to spend the rest of my life with a woman. THAT’S the memory I’ll take away from that day, not how much the reception cost, or what designer made my wife’s dress, or what company made the sterling at the dinner. All that stuff is un-necessary crap – in fact, having to watch my wife getting stressed out at having to arrange a $25,000 “Event” would actually detract from the day.”
By the time I finished, Jessica was regarding me with a look that said, “OMG, that’s so romantic…” and I sort of mumbled something about having to catch up on emails or whatever.
What I wanted to say to the customer was “Look – did you marry the guy you wanted to marry? Yeah? Are you happy about that? Yeah? Then just…chill!” but of course, wanting to keep my job and all, what I actually said was, “I do apologize for the problem with your book. Let’s see if we can make this right…”
But, here’s the thing.
My parents were married for 36 years, and you could often see them walking hand in hand down Main Street in the town where my mom lives. Lots of people in town were touched by that.
They got married in a little chapel in a little, nondescript town where mom grew up on the California coast, with his and hers family there, and a few close friends. They gave a couple hundred bucks to the priest, and another couple hundred to rent the parish hall for the afternoon. They had a cake from some local bakery, and some of the church ladies cooked up a delicious spaghetti for everyone to eat.
When they talked about their wedding, what they talked about is how blissful they were at the opportunity to marry the person they loved, and how humbly grateful they were for the blessing their wonderful spouse was, and had continued to be. (Dad died in mom’s arms, of cancer, in 1996. RIP, Pops…)
I read somewhere that the average American wedding now costs $25,000, and my reaction when I read that is, “That’s absolutely obscene.”
Bridal magazines encourage a kind of almost pornographic fascination with brand name designers and accessories. The enterprise (and that’s what we’re really talking about here – a business) strikes me, frankly, as depraved, profaning what should be holy, turning an occasion of self-giving into an exercise in juvenile, narcissistic wish-fulfillment.
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I just overheard a conversation today where a young woman was saying she wanted to have a wedding but she didn’t want to get married. She just wanted a day when everything was all about her. It made me a touch nauseous.
For those who are not yet convinced about consumerism’s impact on our sexual ethics, here is exhibit #1034.
She just wanted a day when everything was all about her. It made me a touch nauseous.
That’s what I’m talking about.
However: Why do you think she wants that? There is something touchingly forlorn about that desire, I think, and probably worth exploring.
*LIKE*
There is something “traditional” about having an extravagant wedding, however, but I think that for the most part it is pretty distorted nowadays. I just remember how in Mexico, weddings often go on for three days, and the whole village is invited, and so forth. Mexicans are pretty notorious for gaudy and big weddings with three hundred guests (it helps to have a big family). My cousin’s wedding was like that, but I don’t know how much of a “bridezilla” his bride was. Back in the old country, such unions were the biggest day of your life, and the communal event of the year.
I don’t think you could say that about American weddings, though. They seem to be very individualistic, and atomized just like our society. If you look at some of the ceremonies that pass for a wedding these days, I can’t really see how this can have the communal and transcendent meaning that they once had (being married outdoors, writing your own vows, etc.) It seems like one big party about “me and us”, and the fact that people can get so worked up about it seems a bit unhealthy.
That being said, it would be interesting to see what the women reading this have to say. My own wedding was very small and very tasteful: it took place in a historic New Orleans church (beautiful and with a big aisle), and the reception was low key but elegant in a small upstairs room overlooking St. Charles Ave. I don’t think it was the most expensive event in the world, but it wasn’t cheap, and it didn’t look cheap either. I think one can criticize the excesses of the wedding industry, but one should not throw the baby out with the bathwater and just say that one’s big day is “no big deal”.
I think Arturo has hit on the right points here. Big weddings as community celebrations are an important part of the wedding experience. Christ’s first public miracle was at such an event; and Jewish weddings, like many ancient ones, lasted more than one day, and was indeed a big affair. But the affair was more than a mere spectacle to make oneself feel all-important, more than feeling oneself as some sort of Hollywood star. This, however, is what we see promoted by the American marriage enterprise.
If I am ever blessed to get married (unlikely, I fear, but my desire nonetheless), I certainly would not want it to follow the American pattern. Nonetheless, we would be crowned, indicating that there is some sort of truth in the notion of the “princess.” Again, not in the way Americans want to make it out to be, but in the way that tradition sees the couple. I would want it to be respectful, and centered upon the community, not myself, though of course, the community would be gathered with and for me and my would-be wife, and we would be at the heart of the ceremony. The issue, then, is the spirit behind the wedding; when the sacred is lost, all that is left is the glitter… and that is indeed the problem.
Yes. Let me add a confession then and a point about a narrow but I think important element of modern wedding.
First the confession. I read the NY Times wedding announcements every Sunday. Yes, it may be a sickness and I am willing to get professional help so I can overcome this obsession. Please pray for me.
Second, from that reading, I see a large number of couples that announce the officiant for the wedding was a personal friend who obtained credentials for that day.
So much of the wedding (even in the best circumstances) is all about the bride, the couple, the families and inner circle of friends. It seems the presence of the officiant is the one representative of the larger community — be it civil society represented by a judge or justice of the peace or the universal church as represented by a minister or clergyperson.
If marriage is truly a social institution and just not a private arrangement, it seems that there should be this one small element of the presence of someone not as a friend or relative but who represents everyone including those outside the circle of friends and family of the wedding party.
Among brides attempting to have a mindful engagement, the marketing and consumerist forces brought to bear on a woman during this period of her life are referred to as the WIC: Wedding Industrial Complex. The existence of the WIC is geared to convincing brides that in order to have a memorable wedding, or at least a wedding that will not be a howling failure as a social event, one must purchase the high end of everything, including food, dress, photographer etc.
The “ads by Google” above this post make this point. On my screen they are advertising Wedding Favors and no doubt cute little Wedding Favor Boxes to go along with them. These favors can be had for only $2.50 per darling little favor. Simply multiply your guest list by $2.50, and there you are! Two hundred fifty dollars plus spent on a box of candies in your wedding colors. Your guests will think you are an ogre if you don’t provide them a box of custom candy!!! You only get married once (or twice or three times for some Americans)!!! BUY NOW!
There is a movement among brides to avoid this type of thing, but I fear it is mostly smushed by the WIC.
Indeed, Magdalena – the fact that poorer women especially feel lots of pressure to conform their weddings to these manufactured expectations is pretty sad, in my view. May God break our hearts and show us a new way.
By the way, I would like to apologize for the way I’ve treated you in the past here at VN; while I think it is safe to say we come at politics from…pretty different directions, let’s say, I have crossed the line into uncharitable behavior in the past, and regret it.
Matt Talbot’s description of his parents wedding provides a useful gauge for understanding the impact of the Wedding Industrial Complex. Let me add two more, one from 1947 and one from the late 40′s or early 50′s. My parents were married in ’47; he worked in a factory and fixed TVs on the side. Their wedding was one of three scheduled that day at the church and there was no reception. He had saved a few hundred bucks, so they drove to Niagara Falls for a short honeymoon. My mom wore her best dress and my dad wore one of his suits (he was poor, but a bit of a clothes horse).
Friends of mine were married about the same time. (I was at their 50th wedding anniversary some years ago, but can’t remember the date.) This was not a society wedding, but they were definitely from solidly middle class families and he was dentist. The reception was a dinner at a local restaurant. From the pictures, I estimated that maybe 50 people were invited. Her dress was lovely, but quite modest (in terms of fabric and tailoring) compared to most wedding dresses these days.
I think it is a pity that the Church has been dragged into helping stage these WIC specials. I wonder how many pastors bring this up with the engaged couple during wedding preparations. Given the cultural day of “her special day” this would be pastorally difficult, but it might help in some small way.
David Cruz-Uribe –
I agree. Is this covered in pre-Cana classes? Also, do you think it would help for the hierarchy to get more vocal about discouraging abuse of the sacrament of Matrimony in this way?
Interestingly, the Church has gotten involved in trying to rein in some of the excesses of the Quinceanera. (For non-Latinos, a “coming out” party celebrated on a girl’s 15th birthday, often an excuse for a very large and elaborate party for the extended family.) A church service for Quinceanera was approved a few years ago, with the intention of trying to reinforce it as more of a religious celebration and less as an excuse for consumerism.
Along these lines, a while ago Busted Halo had a bunch of video segments about the Priest, the Bride and the Quest for the Perfect Wedding.
I have heard of the commodification of the Quinceañera ceremony. It seems that anything which feeds the soul or brings elemental joy to people is like fly-paper to the commodifiers of the world.
If some Madison Avenue type found a way to tap directly into the port in the human soul that longs most deeply for God, and re-direct those desires toward spending money on products, his idea would make him very, very rich.
Matt, well there was Jim and Tammy Faye Baker….
ON the subject of the Quinceanera, I found this at the USCCB website:
12. Does this celebration sometimes become too costly and extravagant?
Yes. Unfortunately, the advantage of living in a country where material things are readily available often encourages families to give into a competitive consumerism and spend exorbitant sums on such celebrations. The same tendency is often seen in the planning of celebrations of the Sacrament of Marriage.
However, as with weddings, many Hispanic families save for years to provide the celebration for their daughter, granddaughter, goddaughter or niece. While to an uninformed observer, the financial expenditure may appear far beyond the means of the family, the reality may be very different. The custom of having padrinos/madrinas and esponsores makes it possible for there to be a larger array of donated gifts and services. Family members who are seamstresses, musicians, drivers of limousines, florist shop workers, cooks, bakers and photographers often donate their services as gifts. The church decorations, food and music for the fiesta, are often provided by family and friends.
Parishes may also give pastoral guidance in having the celebration for several girls at one Mass, thus focusing more on the liturgy than on any one family, or offering the use of the parish hall for the fiesta which follows. A parish, a parish organization or several parish organizations could sponsor a fiesta following a monthly religious celebration for all the quinceañeras of the parish. It is suggested that a time of preparation be set before the date of the celebration so that all participants understand the meaning of the religious celebration and have an opportunity to ready themselves spiritually.
This quote is part of a very long and informative Q&A:
http://www.usccb.org/liturgy/quinceanera.shtml
Note the interesting discussion putting the expense of the celebration into a broader cultural context.
I don’t necessarily agree with the tone of some of the discourse here. I think there is much more nuance at play in these questions than some are conceding. There is a slight variation on the theme of Judas telling Jesus that “for this might have been sold for much, and given to the poor”. And to treat the quinceañera, or even a wedding as primarily a religious ceremony is sort of secularization in reverse: a concession that real life can’t really be sacred, so we need to sprinkle as much church and God on it as possible. (Having gone through the agony or marriage preparation, I don’t think I am exaggerating here.) A lot of this has to do with our cultural Protestantism in this country: we have to be thrifty and not wasteful, we need to invest in the future, etc. Often, that is behind the whole Puritan idea of “a hand up, not a hand out”, and all of that other B.S.
I think here of what Bataille would call, “the accursed share”. Often, weddings and other ceremonies were not opportunities to “spiritually fill up” for what really mattered: everyday life, our jobs, our social obligations, etc. Their goal was the feast, the wasteful expenditure, the “accursed share”. I hate to break it to the Opus Dei and other spiritual technocrats, but in Heaven there are no jobs and no 401-K’s. Heaven is a feast. In their best manifestations, these lavish ceremonies are reflections of that feast, and not because we sprinkle a whole lot of God on them with churchy stuff, but they are so in themselves. Otherwise, I would have to think that Our Lord was a killjoy at the feast at Cana, and I don’t think the Gospel gives us any evidence that He was.
I think it is right to take on the consumerism, the atomization, and the inherent selfishness of much of this society, which is why it is important to take cultural Protestantism head on. But in the process, let us not get off track into criticisms where we only echo the attitudes of the culture we are trying to influence.
Arturo
I agree, there is a fine balance which needs to be kept. This is why I pointed out that Jesus himself went into such a great ceremony with the Wedding of Cana. I do not think celebrations are off, and they can and will be “great.” I think the spirit behind them will make them different in the end, so that the “Bridezilla” aspects will show off as for what they are, but you are right, in making such criticism, one should not go the other route and loose joy of celebration.
Arturo, I agree. The part of my family that is still in the Midwest goes in for “big” weddings: lots of people, lots of food, lots of beer, and partying until all hours of the night. My cousin’s Quinceanera in Mexico was an equally lavish bash. But I have also been to a lot of weddings that have been carefully crafted displays of narcissism and conspicuous consumption. I think the distinction (perhaps hard to draw in practice) must be between means and ends: if the size and expense are means for achieving the worthwhile goals of celebration with family and friends, then this is okay. But if the size and expense are the ends, then this is not okay. For the Church to emphasize the religious aspect is one way (perhaps ham-handed) of drawing this distinction.
With all respect intended to the contributors of this discourse, I think this is much ado about nothing. I’m quite certain God doesn’t care one way or another whether we have a $100 wedding or a $100,000 wedding. It’s all about what’s important to you. If a bride wants to have a special day that’s all about her, what’s the harm in that? The converse is also true; My wife was dead set against the over-the-top wedding and downplayed a lot of it, but then secretly had a lot of regrets that she cut back on a day that meant a lot to her and she’ll never get another chance to follow her heart. That’s not healthy either.
So weddings are more consumerist than we think they should be. Big deal. One day does not a life make. In a world rife with poverty, injustice, and evil, weddings should be the last thing that we’re wasting our efforts on.
apology accepted Matt :)
I understand the caveats expressed here about not looking down on family celebrations, but I think a closer look at the wedding industry and the media that drives it would dispell any concerns. If you visit Style Me Pretty or any other mainstream sites for wedding planning, you will see that they are not “selling” huge, warm, lavish family feasts. They are selling events that are carefully styled (sometimes by a self-titled Wedding Stylist) for aesthetic effect. Having gorgeous pictures of gorgeous decor is referred to has “having a blog-worthy wedding.”