Self-Pity
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.
— D. H. Lawrence, Self Pity
‘Abba, Father!’ he said, ‘For you everything is possible. Take this cup away from me. But let it be as you, not I, would have it.’
—Mark 14:36 (NJB)
Is there more “mad eros” (N. Cabasilas, Vita in Cristo, 648) than that which led the Son of God to make himself one with us even to the point of suffering as his own the consequences of our offences?
—Benedict XVI, Message for Lent 2007
Jobs are scarce. Rejection notices keep pouring in. This upcoming fall is looking bleak. I make noble excuses. I say that I just want to provide for my family—nothing more. And I do. But the deeper truth is this: I feel sorry for myself.
Sorrow for self, self-pity, is a strange form of grief. It is rarely honest. It can be paralyzing. It is both humbling and firmly rooted in pride.
My own self-pity can only be overcome momentarily. Then, like the low-tide, it comes again.
To some, I am pitiable and they commiserate. To others, I am pitiable for being pitiable and they tell the truth.
A dear friend of mine—who has been in and out of work for over a year now—once told me the truth. He pulled me out of my self-pity by showing me how he saw my supposed “predicament.” He said something like this: “Hey man! You’ve got all the training and education in the world. You might have to wait for it, but, at some point, you know that you’re gonna get a job—a good job. At least you know that much.”
He’s right. To complain about joblessness while about to receive a doctorate is not only predictable in the current academic job market, it is also calloused and shortsighted of the suffering of others.
So, instead, I try to project my self-pity to those close to me who seem to deserve it more than I do: My two boys. But they are as happy as can be! Highly inconvenient.
Self-pity is not something we can overcome altogether, I think. It might be what Michael Jackson called Human Nature. Jesus seemed to suffer at least a flash of self-pity in Gethsemane. But, like the sparrow, that wild thing who knows no such thing as self-pity, we must hope—even as we die.
My own pathetic excuse for “misfortune” is a reminder to myself, and to you, that we should avoid self-pity for this reason: We are loved. In the mystery of that love—even amidst the real pain it can bring—we might find the wildest thing that can never be tamed or domesticated.
We find the “mad eros” of the Cross.
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Thank you for a very timely post. Both my dh and I are underemployed and he goes for a chest xray today for possible cancer. Its hard to keep afloat when mired in self pity. I’m trying to do all I can right now to avoid that.
Again, thank you for this post.
Self-pity, worry, fear, etc.–none of these unpleasant states of mind have been intended for us by God, and as Christians we may feel with some justification that we have a right to that peace which passes all understanding that St. Paul speaks of.
I think it is there for the taking, by the grace of God of course, and if we do not have it, or have it less than completely, it is because we have not truly given up our lives to gain them, or not completely.
Or perhaps I should speak for myself: I still want my cake and eat it too. It is hard to give it all up, as the rich young man knew, and as a great Christian like St. Paul knew as well at times. But Christ–a man like us!–did show the way.
Sam, I said a little prayer for you, and would appreciate the same from you, and best of luck with the job search. (But I feel you won’t be searching long with a prestigious item like “Vox Nova blogger” on your vitae; or perehaps you have chosen to dsicreetly make no mention of it?)
This is a very sincere and thoughtful post. Thanks for reminding us how evil self-pity is. St. Josemaria Escriva called it an “ally of the enemy.”
One thing you might want to try is self-employment. I know it’s not for everyone, but I incorporated an IT business in 2002 and haven’t been out of work since. Obviously you have to find clients, but a lot of firms would rather just contract you because of the uncertainty in the market currently. Then if they like you they’ll keep you around and you can either go full time or keep raising your rates every so often. (I won’t tell you which I prefer, but you can probably guess.)
Thanks to you three for your kind replies.
I just said a prayer for all three of you—thanks for yours too.
David: I don’t have VN on my vitae, but I have thought about it, to be sure. Not too sure if it would help or hurt though, some academics hate blogs—and, many times, for good reason.
Pauli: I have thought about that many times and would like to eventually do something like that, but the start-up costs are beyond me at this point. I do appreciate your encouragement though.
Thanks again to you all.
Sam
I can only wish you the best. Academic job market is worst I’ve seen in 30 years (number of jobs in my own field just cut in half), and it was always bad.
Not sure where you are applying. But even many nominally Catholic institutions are full of anti-Catholics. (In secular schools it’s practically open season.) I never hid my background but be ready for some eye-opening experiences when you get to the interview tables.
Peace and all good wishes
Thanks anon.
I’m applying to everything that might be a possibility: post docs, visiting professorships, and, of course, tenure track jobs. My training is interdisciplinary—the philosophy of education—, so, I have applied in and out of education and the humanities.
I am at Ohio State University and have found that most hostility to religion, and Catholicism, is based on a shallow, but innocent, (mis)understandings of what it means to be a religious Catholic. Nonetheless, I am happy to report that this opening blindness has not been a source of mistreatment for me thus far.
I only hope that the interview table become a reality. Thanks again for your kind words. Best wishes to you too.
Sam